This is it folks, the moment we’ve been waiting eight years for (alternatively, 97 months, or 255,225,600 seconds, if you want to take this joke to its logical conclusion…)—the part of a show called Game of Thrones, where we finally find out who winds up on that godforsaken throne!
For starters, may I apologize in advance to those reading this in the future. When I say things like, “Spoiler Alert: I can’t believe how easy it was to kill that freakin’ Night King,” and you—with all your futurely wisdom—think to yourself, “Ha, little does poor Jack know, the Night King sits on the throne; you thought a seven-season antagonist could be killed off that easily?!” Just know that I was young, weak, and from a simpler time—hell, the downloaded conscience of George R. R. Martin hadn’t even completed the books yet (that happens in the future, right?).
So, while Daenerys Targaryen devolves into the Mad Queen, eventually turning on the rightful heir to the throne—Jon Snow—only to find that she bears his child (again, future readers, I know this stings…), I’ve realized that my countless hours of GOT research/theories could be better spent in a realm more familiar to me: premium cigars!
What would it look like if the cigar world were viewed through the lens of the Three-Eyed Raven? Let’s take a peek behind the kimono, shall we? (it’s Game of Thrones—I had to get a nudity pun in here somehow).
Jackin’ Around is a fringe column that looks at the cigar industry under a much different light… one may even say the light has long since gone out.
*This article was created as a collaborative effort between Jack Heyer, Jordan Guttormson, and Eric Guttormson*
A big comet with precious metals. Lore speaks of the great event, often described as occurring during the 90s. No, not the 1990s—the literal NINETIES; thus setting into motion a fantastical migration in the years to follow.
House LFD came to prominence after the Great Boom. They are a younger house but strong—known for their horseback riding. Their young lord, Tony Gomez, was notably killed by The Fountain in a trial by combat.
House Aganorsa Leaf were proud farmers for many centuries. Known for their bountiful harvests, House Aganorsa used to mostly supply other houses, but with their new lord, Terrence Reilly (“The Pale Knife”), they have since gained favor amongst their people and the surrounding villages have become prosperous.
A powerful house known for the strength of their crop. Lord A.J. Fernández is also a known supporter of the Lord of Light. His ritual burnings of fields in sacrifice are well known.
One of the old houses. Known for their fine soldiers and wealth. Their swordsmanship is nearly unmatched and their ornate armor is known across the Seven Kingdoms. Lord Carlito Fuente (“The Mustache in the Night”) has set this house in line for the Throne.
An Ibbenese house known for their brutal torture methods, House Asylum is a respected house. As a smaller force that is a bannerman to House CLE, House Asylum relies on their Lord Lazuka (“King of the Cornhole”) to defeat challengers to his house with his skill in tournament games.
House Davidoff and their bannerman houses—House AVO and House Camacho—are among the great houses in the Seven Kingdoms. House Davidoff is known for their glass gardens; along with the bold knights of House Camacho, they are formidable indeed.
A powerful alliance out of the West, the triumvirate of houses that has formed together resides within Castle Down and Back. House Caldwell, known for their cunning Lord Caldwell (“The White Rose”) and his bannerman, Lord Tony Bellato (“The Unbuttoned”) and Lord Boof (“The Wild Mustang”), have formed one of the most powerful armies in the land.
House MBombay is an eastern house. Located in Qarth, House MBombay is known for their opulent packaging and presentation of goods. They are merchant traders known for their innovation.
House Espinosa resides within the La Zona Castle, forming a small but powerful faction. Beloved by their people and known for their grand tourney each year, House Espinosa relies on their strong leadership. Lord Erik Espinosa (“The Bro of the Morning”) is known for his dark magic capabilities, clever dealings, and tall-tale tellings.
Ser Bill Ives (“The Fountain”) and Juan Cancel (“The Mound”) are known knights that have found favor in the eyes of House Espinosa. The Protocol Brothers are known drunkards but they are powerful and have a bright future in the Court. Also, Ser Ives is believed to be of the zombie persuasion, kept alive by blood magic; meanwhile, The Mound has been seen wandering the country aimlessly as of late.
One of the most powerful houses in the Realm. Known for bringing innovation and training wise knights. Their eclectic Lord Drew (“The Lord of Many Hats”) is known for his military technology and his raven-like memory.
Ser Steve Saka, the long-time Master at Arms of House Drew Estate, was knighted at the Battle of the Liga. Defeating the Bridge Rebellion earned Ser Saka his own keep.
Ser Nick Mellilo (“Lord of the Broadleaf”) is a hedge knight, known for his skill in jousting. Once he swore fealty to House Drew Estate and earned much acclaim. He has since rode for Lord Grantham of Highclere Castle and his feats have earned him much renown.
House Tatuaje, or the Painted Men of the Reach, are known for their tribe’s tattoos. Their artistry is proudly displayed on their arms, and when they ride for battle, their armor is often painted and ornately displayed. They create the finest wines in the land and their rare vintages are collected for generations.
Tracing their lineage to the First Men that came from the Old Lands, House Padrón has thrived for generations. Padrón has remained a great house in the Realm due to their strength in many fields. Their descent and riches, matched with their stability as a house, make them a power matched by few.
House Alec Bradley is a newer house coming to prominence after the Great Boom. Known for their savvy in trading. Lord Alan Rubin was forced to send his eldest son Alec to the Watch because he is a known coward.
Two of the greatest guildsman in the land, the RoMaCrafters are the only blacksmiths capable of forging Valyrian steel.
Located high in the Valle Mountains, House Warped is known for their Moon Door and their artisanal craftsmanship. House Warped are allies with many other houses (House Aganorsa and the Titans of Bronze) but primarily keep to themselves in their High Keep.
House Fratello, known for their Lord Omar De Frias (“Bigfinger”), who trained many of the best carrier ravens and hunting hawks—always on the cutting edge of air technology—shocked the Realm when he traded in a life of luxury as a wealthy bird merchant to create his own armor and goods. One of the largest men in the Realm, Bigfinger is known for his kind nature and for how terrifying he looks in armor.
Far in the East, across the Narrow Sea, there resides a golden company of sellswords. Decorated in the most ornate armor in the Seven Kingdoms, the Gurkha Company is a mysterious outfit, whose loyalties remain in question. While legend tells of their most fierce fighters providing exorbitant value (and coming at an equally exorbitant cost), some have begun to question the training techniques of new recruits.
The Merchant Lord of Smoke Inn, Ser Abe “The Honest” Dababenah has control of an important trading route on the river. As a major merchant nearing a lordship, Ser Abe is an affable figure beloved by all he trades with.
The Eyeless Men are known for their unflinching judgement. Their bizarre motto, “All Cigars Must Be Rated,” doesn’t really make sense because no one in the Realm has ever heard of a cigar; nevertheless, they wont shut up about it.
Maester Coop, the arbiter of justice in the Realm, is committed to honor and law above all else. He is knowledge above all—spending many an hour in his archives. He holds himself to a high standard and hounds many a house for not submitting writs of patronage in a timely manner before the great annual tournament. He is known for his lengthy banquet feasts, where he and a panel of Maesters converse long after all the guests have left.
The looming spectre beyond the wall. The FDA is an army of mindless bureaucrats that feast on the flesh of the living. They will likely destroy the entire Realm if the great houses don’t band together to defeat them.
The CRA guards the Wall against the FDA. Under the guidance of Ser Glynn Loope, the CRA defends against the advancing FDA. The Wall may hold but the fight against the FDA has never been as imminent.
The Kingsguard. The noblest of knights in all the Realm. Defenders of justice, truth, and honor; the best of us; there are no more handsome knights in existence. Ser Eric “The Master,” never bested in combat (except that one time his nether regions nearly fell off at IPCPR), is most beloved by the common folk; along with Ser Jordan “The Stussy Hat Douche,” are oft sent to other houses for great feasts and to help in small uprisings.
One of the Dojo’s least best-kept secrets was the bastard son Jack—who was sent to the Wall for acts of betrayal. After swearing off women and good drink, has not been seen since.