In 2019, the premium cigar industry has an uncertain path ahead; FDA regulations, massive tobacco conglomerates (and their propensity toward wielding said FDA regulations against smaller companies), and uncertainty in the political climate make the cigar industry’s path forward a foggy one at best. Instead of providing a discerning and rational article, with relevant information about the future of our beloved industry, I decided to take my perspective through a different door.
Skipping (way) past the hotly debated projections of the cigar industry’s near future, I’m looking towards the more romantic question, “Where will cigars be in the year 3000?” Borrowing (read: stealing) a skit from one of my favorite late-night shows, I wanted to do a Conan-style look ahead at what cigars will become when you and I are barely a memory. (If you have never seen Conan O’Brien’s “In the Year 3000 (formerly 2000)” skits, get a taste for the concept in the video below).
There are only three parent companies that own the rights to all brands within the industry: Tabaclera Corporativo Cía, Tobacco Corp. Inc., and Cigarette Conglomerate LTD. Between the three, they have evenly divided the remaining collection of 2000s-era cigars. They have shockingly similar beliefs and opinions on most bureaucratic issues, yet it always seems like they are locked in a constant war—like some sort of dystopian Huxley novel.
Holographic cigars have been deemed dangerous to children and many cigar smokers have resorted to looking at old Thompson mail-in catalogs as their primary source of cigar enjoyment. These old throw-aways are now worth a fortune (bet you feel like an idiot).
The cigar industry has finally perfected the box-pressed culebra (yes, three box-pressed cigars that are then twisted together and re-box-pressed as a whole…). The dream of celebrated cigar visionary, Jack Heyer (yours truly), has been completed. Once this cigar is smoked, there will finally be galactic peace and the giant planet-sized statue of Heyer has, at last, been commissioned; everyone agrees that this is long overdue.
After being downloaded into a computer in the year 2094, William Cooper (of Cigar-Coop) celebrates his 990th anniversary of operating his website. Coop credits his success to becoming a quantum equation and working tirelessly, which is made possible by his independency of sleep, food or water. Coop says he is most proud of his 361,597 consecutive days with original content posted.
Someone finally makes a decent candela. It is universally hailed as one of the most adequate cigars of all time. All published reviews state that the key was that it tasted “nothing like a candela.”
Ultra-boutique online retailers finally cross the line of unorthodox nomenclature with the release of “Pap Smear.” When reached for a comment, the PR director of the company stated, “Yeah, we should have seen this one coming…”
IPCPR is held in the ruins of Las Vegas yet again. The 160-degree temperatures and total lack of shelter result in the deaths of hundreds. It is hailed as the most successful show in years, with most companies agreeing that, while turnout may have been low, those that were in attendance were “serious about purchase numbers.”
In a move towards political correctness and utmost equality, Cigar Snob releases their controversial “Male Full Frontal” edition. This year’s model, Juan Cancel, causes quite the stir, forcing the magazine to issue a full retraction, refund, and mental therapy reparations for every issue purchased.
President Lady Gaga receives a 7.03 rating from Developing Politics—their highest rating of all time… we think (quantum equation William Cooper is still crunching the numbers).
Espinosa Premium Cigars creates the Warhead DCCCLV (yeah, that’s “855” in Roman numerals, Google it!); it is the size of an actual atomic bomb, weighing five tons. No one is willing to ship it from Nicaragua.
Halfwheel’s article regarding local Florida man, Tim Peterson, and his wife’s newly instituted smoking ban in his garage-based “man cave” wins a Pulitzer for investigative journalism.
Tatuaje has long since expanded outside the original 13 intended releases for the fan-favorite Monster Series. Running short on material, fans have taken solace in Tatuaje’s cereal-based spinoffs, such as Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry.
MoyaRuiz is forced to sue the makers of the Siamese Twins cigar—they still own the patent for interconnected cigars.
Cigar Aficionado names the Oliva Serie V Melanio its Cigar of the Year for the 400th time.
Cigar Dojo releases their 600th collaboration cigar with The Donut Hole. It’s an empty cigar box and people are beginning to question whether or not this is simply a cash grab.
It is revealed that Rocky Patel was able to attend his record number of cigar events at local retailers across the country through the use of an army of robotic clones. This was discovered after clone #RP-800 malfunctioned and began biting the heads off of consumers.
Cubariqueño Cigar Co. makes waves with their questionable release, Protocol Misdemeanor: Urinating in Public. Reviews collectively agree, the cigars need more age, with an unusually high amount of ammonia present.
Blind Man’s Puff faces U.N. sanctions after forcing its reviewers to live in sensory deprivation tanks in an effort to focus solely on the flavor of the cigars in their purest form.
Matt Booth creates the Room101 Man in the Mirror Series, marking his most unorthodox—and most important—collaborative partner to date: himself ❤️.
After the tragic and somewhat questionable passing of Jordan and Eric Guttormson, Jack Heyer takes full control of Cigar Dojo—finally turning it into a TMZ-style cigar smut blog.
This may be a fantastical take on the future of cigars, but if there is one thing I know about our industry, it’s that we are resilient and will be thriving in damn-near any millennium! Let us know in the comments what you think the cigar climate will be like in the year 3000… and stay tuned for another Dojo project about the dystopian future—we just can’t get enough of this stuff!